get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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