The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
