if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
