I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
