Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
