I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
