I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
