Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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