Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
