He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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