I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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