You can't motorboat a personality
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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