I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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