You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
