bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
