Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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