The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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