Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
