I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
