he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
