I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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