WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
