Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
