I accidentally had phone sex last night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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