I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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