Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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