Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
