around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Drunk is not a location!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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