u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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