There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
