just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
