Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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