you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
