never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
