he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
