She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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