508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
