Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
