You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
