all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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