you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
