theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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