I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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