i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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