i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
