She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
