Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
