Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
