Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
