I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
