So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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