My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
