My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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