Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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