So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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