Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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