matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
