I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
