as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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