I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You can't motorboat a personality
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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