Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
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The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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