You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
